nuffink

A short story about absolutely nothing

This piece is part of the Soaring Twenties Social Club Symposium. Each month we collectively produce art around a specific theme. The theme this month is ‘Procrastination’. So, obviously, I decided to write about nothing.

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Everybody wants to be paid to do, like, nuffink, at least that’s what they all say but nobody wants to do, like, nuffink because doing nuffink is hard because it takes work. Meditation, now that’s hard because, like, you have to just do, like, nuffink because you can’t check twitter or insta stories or swipe left because your eyes are closed. You’re expected to, like, do, like, nuffink at all, like, just sit and, like, fink about nuffink, so Paul says.

He’s only got 5 minutes left, says ChronoMaster3856. 

Influencers are all about, like, looking like they’re doing shit all the time, like, always moving and doing booty workouts and, like, making podcasts and shit. Doing nuffink, like, nuffink at all damages their brand and that shit and makes them look, like, lazy and like they’re doing nuffink so they never admit to doing nuffink even though, like, most of them are. There’s, like, room in the market, like, a gap in the demograffic to become the guy that works hard at, like, doing nuffink at all, so Paul says.

He’s smashed it, nearly completed it all, completed life mate, says UnmovingSupporter8764. 

Nobody’s done this shit before, like, never, because this is groundbraking, like, proper groundbraking because nobody’s got the nuts to live-stream nuffink. Like, what are you gonna talk about because you’re meant to be doing nuffink and does talking count as doing nuffink or is that, like, cheating or sumfink. Which reminds me: remember to get those super chats, like, dialled in, and smash that subscribe button and hit the bell to keep locked into this proper inventive shit, so Paul says.

How long can somebody survive doing nothing, QuestioningPanda3234 says.

All we’ve done for, like, 365 days is nuffink because we’re the kings of nuffink¹ and I wanted to prove that nuffink gets followers, like, what’s the point in trying and shit if I can get 50 mill followers for doing absolutely fuck all. I’m sat here just not even getting up for a piss or eating or drinking or nuffink just to prove that it’s all in the mind man and that, like, anything’s possible if you just put your mind to it. Dally llama or some shit said that kinda fing, so Paul says. 

The rule of 3 applies, says SecretDoctor2134. You can survive 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water, 30 days without food, but he’s already gone 30 days without water or food.

Like, all I’ve been doing is drinking water and shit because, like, if I don’t down that water, like, man dies. I’m here for the long haul, like, to prove that all this shit is bullshit and unnecessary and it’s possible to get that sweet 50 mill subs. Like, the only thing that matters in thiiiis life is soooociall reach, like, audience and brand and shhhiit and doing it all by doing nuffink, so Paul says.

Paul doesn’t look well, and why is he slurring his words, says ThocialFan3214.

Sorry, I ain’t feeling too hot man. Like, maybe this wasn’t the best finking fing I ever did, like, maybe I overreached, like, tried too hard or pushed myself too hard. But, I’m gonna get this 50 mill, because we’re, like, at 49 point 999999 now and we’re, like, tho close and now’s the time to get that hustle grind man and get this shit done, so Paul says².

What country is he in, does anybody know where he lives, should we call an ambulance, says KeyboardWorrier4563.

We all fink that we’re capable of so much, like, we’re told from the moment we’re born when we get that iPad or iPhone shoved in our faces that, like, we’re gonna be superstars because we’re all special and we’ve all got something to say because all we’ve got to do is become known and famous and make mad money is to just be ourselves. We’re all addicted to those tossers, on insta that’s telling us we just need to work harder and be harder and do more harder and make more and do longer like someone’s audio describing a porno. Like, it’s the biggest lie we get sold, like, just working harder doesn’t do shit, so Paul says.

I’m sure his lips shouldn’t be blue, says ColorBlindNah4566.

So I span it on its head, like, totally upside down and shit to prove to the world that it’s all bullshit, cough, sorry, and nobody is coming to save you and even the insta influencers are selling you a lie and I’m just here showing you the truth, so Paul says.

I can’t watch this anymore, he’s dying, says UnapologeticVoyeur2954.

If I can sit here and do nuffink, like, literally nuffink, cough, sorry, for an entire yeaaaar and reach that 50 mill followers, like, more than most of the hustle guys and gals and everyone else, like, MOOOOORE than Gary Vee, like, what’s the point of it all and what was the point in the first plaaace, so Paul says.

It’s like he’s in slow motion, speaking really slow, says CadanceWatcher3456.

So it looks like I just hit that sweet 50 mill followers, like, can’t believe it, cough, sorry, so Paul says.

He’s smashed it, nearly completed it all, completed life mate, says UnmovingSupporter8764, again³.

I want to thank all 50, cough, sorry, mill of ya for tuning in for the last three hundred sixty, cough, sorry, what was I saying, oh yeah it’s been thirty days, no, sorry, cough, sorry, three hundred days, what, man, I can’t concentrate all of a sudden, like, I’m literally not capable of even doing nuffink right now, like, so Paul says. 

Why does he keep saying he’s got 50 million followers, he’s only got 5,000, says PendanticMathsGuy3543.

Cough, sorry, like, nuffink at all, because I’m just so exstatic that we managed to do it and I can’t believe we got there because nobody believed nuffink, sorry I’m gonna have to go, I’m gonna go do nuffink for a bit, so Paul said.

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3. We’re recommending that you watch Absolutely Nuffink next, the chipper aftershow presented by Russell Brand and a ghostly-but-more-amusing-than-Russell-poltergeist-version of Leslie Neilsen.